Regarding love, sex etc I am pleased that is all over for me...I believe I was in love for a couple of years when I was 19 or at least that was the nearest I believe I came to it! Sex, I believe is over-rated and despite the 'buzz' of the conquests at the time it only ever really left me 'cold' in the harsh reality of daylight.
I struggle now just to be and could not imagine having anyone who 'needed' anything in my life because I would just feel guilty that I could not 'give them what they need. It is not just mental it is also physical and really, truly no-one deserves being 'dragged' in to the nightmare of my reality.
Family relationships...well I only have my two sons...one lives 250 + miles away the other is not talking to me because I am a 'nightmare' my dad is 87 yrs old and also lives 250 miles away and he remains in hospital after 10 week and is slowly 'sinking'...oh! and I have a 1/2 brother...same mam different dads...he is 70 and rings me every 8 weeks which confuses the hell out of me because there is 'no love lost' between us and his wife absolutely 'hates me' and, sad to say, the feeling is more than mutual. A very, very poor show of relations and when young I always wanted 6 children...but then I also wanted to marry a farmer and live in a big, rambling farmhouse...silly dreams!
I realised last week how truly alone I am and it made me feel quite desperate for a while...but I am back to thinking 'so what?...better to have few in my life and no 'burden of expectation' then be pushing myself too far and feeling even more ill.
I love to waffle on here at times it gets it out of my head!
Take care xx
PS Found out last week the guy I believe I was in 'love with' when I was 19 died in 2007 aged 57...that really shocked me and I shed a few tears for some of the beautiful memories.
john wayne gacy amr jack del rio fired jack del rio fired made in america made in america icam
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